Love really does kinda suck from time to time. It’s no wonder why love and death are the most covered subjects in poetry, because they both hurt like hell.
You see, my girlfriend of eight years and I, have been going thru some tough shit lately, yeah, I said girlfriend of eight years, not wife yet, that’s another issue, but I take full blame for that one. She feels that we’re not affectionate enough anymore. That she misses the way it was when we were first dating. She has said, she “wants to be appreciated, loved and wanted. That when I come in the room, your heart skips a beat. That when you hold me, you never want to let go. That you want to hold my hand when we’re out in public. To kiss my forehead and do it so tender.” That’s an exact quote from a text she sent me. It comes as no surprise to me, we’ve had similar conversations before. And, I know that I can be a little empty in the feelings department. But, then again, she thinks Dexter is hot, and at least I know I have more feelings than a sociopath, go figure.
So I guess the point I’m getting to is, what the fuck is love supposed to be?? Now, I know I love her with all my soul. But, maybe our definitions are a bit different. I guess this is a common problem for people. In my eyes, I see love in waking up next to each other every morning and kissing goodbye, even if done so out of habit. I see love as checking my phone a thousand times a day to make sure I didn’t miss a text from her, and when I don’t see a text, every time, I feel a little depressed. I see love as being comfortable, as growing old together. I see love as still being happy doing stupid shit when we’re broke as fuck. Love is taking our daughter to a park together and seeing her laugh. Love is smoking a bowl and then fucking like porn stars.
Also, I think love is sometimes forgetting that you’re in love. Love, is also accidentally taking the other person for granted. Getting used to having someone hold you up when you need it. So used to it, that you can forget they’re there. Love, is getting annoyed by her grinding her teeth in her sleep. Love, is laughing your ass off when one of you has Montezuma’s revenge and has to shit water every mile and a half thru the desert. Love is picturing her mangled body dead on the side of the freeway because you don’t know why she’s late. My point is, not all of love is exciting and romantic. Some of it’s great! Some of it’s funny. Some of it’s disgusting or disturbing. And some of it is, well, just fucking boring.
The reason it is so exciting in the beginning is because you don’t know every single detail about your partner yet. You don’t know what they’re thinking. You can’t yet finish their sentences for them. When in a newer relationship, you also tend to spend a lot of time apart, and the heat of attraction grows and grows until sparks begin to fly as you see her walk into a room.
However, in that early stage, there’s a lot of room for error as well. And there’s not too much honesty. I might say something like, “Yeah, I smoke a few cigarettes a day, you know just for stress.” When I really smoke a pack a day. Side note: People ask me, “How do you afford to smoke a pack a day?” and I say, “Well, I know, but think how much money I’ll be saving from my early death.” I figure I’ll save more than enough to pay for the cigs I smoke now by cutting out several years of food, entertainment, bills, nursing home care, medicine, adult diapers etc etc, by dying early from lung cancer. I look at it as kind of an anti-retirement plan. Jesus, stick on the subject.
So, basically, the love she talks about is early love, romantic love, beautiful love. The love that only exists forever, day after day, in the movies. The love I talk about, is, well I guess just plain old boring love.
Fuckin movies. How come you never get to see the 10 years that happen after the movie ends. You know, the part when Meg Ryan or Julia Roberts or whoever, divorces Tom Hanks or Jude Law or whoever, after she catches the charming, smart architect, corn-holing the baby sitter in the back of the family Volvo. Then the ugly-duckling but somewhat sexy wife gets full custody, alimony, child support, the house and, the now ex-husband, thrown in jail for allegedly beating her. It’s funny how people take movies so seriously, but you ever notice how the movie ends fairly quickly after the climax is over? Nobody ever works at a shitty job until the day they die. And, nobody ever takes a shit, unless it’s funny or embarrassing. Damn, this is random.
So, in closing,
I will continue to do everything I can, to remember to kiss her forehead in public. To long for her to get home from work. To give her a special wink, that only she sees.
And why would I do this? Because doing things that make her happy, that’s love too.
And, I love my baby.
So, any opinions, advice, criticisms or just to call me an ass hole, feel free to let me know.
And, to you readers, stop being such fuckin dicks in the world. Nobody thinks you’re tough shit cuz you can’t smile or say thanks when someone holds a door open for you. So, why don’t you try to show a little compassion and respect to other people out there? Smile to someone. Talk to strangers. Learn someone’s story. You can only learn from people who are different than you. Talk to that homeless guy. Talk to that conservative right-wing extremist in the suit that you only glare at. Help someone who needs help but is afraid to ask. Help someone who isn’t afraid to ask. And, one more thing, stop driving like ass holes, you’re just slowing everyone else down! Show some compassion, this place is crowded, and with so many ass holes, it’s starting to stink.